A Confident Cupcake
by spiffytgm
Summary: This is a one shot of the physical from Undercover Cupcake told entirely from Joe's POV. Can he ever really see the men from Rangeman the same way again? Always a Babe.


**When I did the obstacle course scene in Undercover Cupcake, I realized that it was a pivotal moment for Joe. He was getting his first look at the man behind the 'thug'. How would he reconcile the man he thought Ranger was with the man he really is? Anyway, it started me thinking about things from Joe's point of view. This is what happens when I let my mind wander…**

**Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews, they mean the world to me.**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE. The mistakes are all mine.**

I walked into the Rangeman infirmary at exactly eight o'clock on Friday morning. Today is the day that I take the Physical fitness test. I bet Ranger doesn't have to do this crap. They probably made the whole thing up just for me, the fuckers.

Bobby was waiting for me with his stupid clipboard. We went into one of the exam rooms and he told me to strip. Is he kidding me? There is no way he needs to see the boys. Then he told me that it was a part of that stupid employment contract that I signed. I could either strip and get it over with, or leave. I bet they'd like it if I just left. They won't get me that easily, not when I'm this close to getting inside information.

I stripped and went through the exam. Instead of thinking about what Bobby was doing down there, I imagined leading a certain Cuban bastard out the door and into a police cruiser, handcuffed and humiliated. I swear that the wood I had going on had nothing to do with the rectal exam. It was all about taking Ranger down, honest.

When Bobby was done, I got dressed in my TPD sweats as fast as possible. He took a blood sample, then told me to give him a urine sample and send Cal in. I guess I'm not the only dumbass doing this today. I hope Cal enjoys his rectal exam.

When I walked out to let Cal know it was his turn for a share of the fun, I was surprised to see him wearing Army fatigues instead of Rangeman black. Even more surprising, though, was the tan Ranger beret that he was holding in his hand. I shook off thoughts of his military career and waved him into the back. "Enjoy your exam."

He smirked at me. "No problem, cupcake."

When Bobby was finished with Cal's exam, we drove out to Fort Dix. There were a bunch of vehicles here, and the stands were filled with soldiers. Great, an audience. I wasn't worried, I know I have this in the bag. I spotted Ranger and Tank talking to someone. Both of them were also wearing ACU's. They were also both wearing green berets. Holy fuck. I felt my jaw hit the ground. Those two were Green Berets? I hate to admit that I was feeling a little awestruck. I may have been in the Navy, but I know how much hard work and training goes into earning that cover. It also maybe explains why the bastard disappears for months at a time sometimes. The CIA recruits Green Berets for its Special Operations Group, since they are already highly trained in counterterrorism and clandestine missions.

I shook off my thoughts when Bobby started to explain what was going on. "The General," he nodded at the man talking to Tank and Ranger, "is going to give a speech to the soldiers, then Ram s going to do his thing." I idly wondered what 'thing' Ram was going to do. I don't happen to have any more fiancées for him to take. Bobby continued. "After that, we'll start the test. You guys ready?"

Cal said, "Hua" and I nodded, even if I was starting to not be so sure after all. The General walked around to the front of the stands and started talking. I wasn't really listening. I did hear words like Ranger School, Delta Force, and Sniper. Was one of these thugs a sniper? Was I wrong about them? The General stopped talking and there was the crack of a rifle followed by an explosion. After a pause, the General started talking again. Bobby nodded at us and said, "It's time." Does that mean that the gun shot and explosion were Ram's thing? Is he the sniper? Jesus, I can't quite seem to wrap my head around this information.

I heard the General say push-ups, and Cal gave me a nudge. "Come on, cupcake, let's get this show on the road."

The four of us walked out to the confidence course. There were four mats there. We each stood in front of a mat while the General told the soldiers about the push-up requirement. I was about to drop to the ground, when I noticed the women in the front row of the stands. Crap. Not only is Stephanie here to watch, but my ex-fiancée Gayle, my sister, and my mother are with her. Why me? I don't see Ranger's mother in the stands talking to his ex-wife. She probably only came to watch Cal anyway. You'd think he walks on water with the way MY mom treats him.

When Bobby tells us to start, I do my push-ups. I already know the pace I have to keep to get the job done. I don't want to waste energy here that I'll need later. When Bobby tells us to stop, the men that were counting announce the totals. Two hundred and six push-ups? You've got to be kidding me.

We get into position for sit-ups while the General talks some more. Once again Bobby tells us when to stop and start. Once again we get the totals. One hundred and seventeen Sit-ups? I don't think I can even move that fast. They must have counted wrong.

Next come the chin-ups. Before we walk to the bar, the General directs our attention to the Victory Tower. Ram is standing there at attention. Well, there's the third Green Beret. I realize that he's standing less than five feet from my position and I never saw him until the General directed our attention to him. That's just frigging spooky. I was looking in that direction while I was doing sit-ups. He picked up the gear behind him, and I got a look at his rifle. It's a Barrett M82A1, and it looks deadly. I have no doubt that the ego shot he showed me really was a mile away. I don't ever want to be in his crosshairs. Ram walks away with a smirk and we go to do our chin-ups.

After the chin-ups, we have to do the five mile run. I figure that if I can keep Ranger in sight, I'll finish the run with no problem. The first lap I managed to keep him in sight, but he didn't slow down a single step. By the end of the second lap, I could just barely keep Tank in sight, and I was starting to breathe heavily. Ranger lapped me on the third lap, and Cal was only a few minutes behind him. Neither of them were even breathing heavily. I was starting to feel the burn. As I was finishing my fourth lap, Ranger finished his run. If we had to go any further, he would have lapped me a second time. By the time I got to the finish line, my legs felt like Jello and my lungs were on fire. It was a miracle that I managed to stay upright, but my mom was sitting there, and I wanted her to see that I was as good as her precious Cal. I grabbed a water and sucked half of it down. As soon as it hit my stomach, I knew it was coming back up. I barely managed to hobble behind the cars before I lost it.

Once I was finished Horking up the contents of my stomach, I stood to find Bobby next to me with another bottle of water, an ice pack, and a towel. He poured the contents of my half-finished bottle of water on my head and handed me the towel. When I bent over to dry my head, he put the ice pack on my neck, covering my jugular. "It'll help you cool down." He handed me the second bottle of water. I sucked it down and managed to hold it there. "You don't have to finish," he told me. "It's not a sign of weakness. We can try again in a month."

I thought for a second about taking him up on that, but it would show a weakness, and we both knew it. I have to finish the course if it kills me, and I'm beginning to think that it just might. "Nah, I'm good. I just needed to catch my breath." Bobby frowned and shook his head, but didn't say anything else.

We walked back out to begin the obstacle course. Bobby told us that we would be doing the course in the order that we finished the run. I knew that he was giving me time to rest, and I appreciated it. The down side was that this meant the mighty Manoso would go first. He stepped up to the beginning of the course and Bobby sent him off. Holy freaking hell. He ran through that course like he was at the playground during recess. I didn't think it would be humanly possible to finish the course as fast as he did it. Not only did he do the course in under half the required time, but he did it after running five miles and doing a gazillion push-ups and sit-ups. I'll be lucky if I finish the course. There's no way that he's human.

When he finished, the General started talking about Ranger's military career. Apparently, not only is he Superman on the obstacle course, but he personally saved the General's life, and the country owes him a debt of gratitude. Is there anything he hasn't done? You'd think the man pees rainbows and farts unicorns. The General asked him if he wanted to say anything. When Ranger walked up to the podium, I thought I was going to lose my lunch again. Now I have to listen to him talk about how wonderful he is. All he did though, was make a crack about Tank putting on weight and having to carry him. Tank grabbed his crotch and told Ranger to "carry this." The audience loved it. Figures.

Cal was next up, and finished the course with no problems. When Tank started the course, I saw Cal sitting between Cathy and my mom. It really chapped my ass to see both my mother and my sister fawning over him. Doesn't he have his own family? He has to take mine? He's a freak. He's got a flaming skull tattooed on his forehead, for god's sake. I stopped watching them and focused on Tank. He finished the course with ease, just like the rest of them. He saluted the General and walked over to where the Rangemen were sitting. Hal handed him some cash. I wonder what they were betting on this time.

It was finally my chance to run the course. This was make or break time. Halfway through the course, I was wishing for death. At least that way I wouldn't have to finish this torture. All of my muscles were screaming, and I thought my arms were going to fall off. I don't even know how I made it to the last obstacle. When my hand slipped, I thought about just giving up right there, five feet from the end. Then I thought about the women sitting there watching me. Mom and Cathy with Cal, Stephanie with Ranger, and Gayle with Ram. Thinking about everything they took from me gave me just enough rage to finish those last five feet. I can do this, damn it.

I got to the last rope. Holy Crap, I made it. I wanted to swing from the rope and shout, "You can't take this from me, you bastards." Of course, that would require strength and breath that I didn't have. I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn't notice the depression in the ground. Of course I landed on it and twisted my ankle.

I laid flat on my back, awash in pain and gasping for breath. I looked up at the sky and cursed. That's when I noticed the rainbow stretched across the sky. Someone up there has a vicious sense of humor.


End file.
